6 Painful Reasons Why Acceptance Is The Problem
There are a lot of very human reasons why individuals do not accept they are a problem or have a problem. This can lead to some very frustrating and painful conversations.
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The human brain is a very impressive filter. It can easily filter out anything that the person does not want to hear, that represents some kind of threat. They literally fool themselves.
6 Painful Reasons People Deny Their Problems
- Any threats to self-image which conflict with strongly held beliefs about themselves. For example: if they perceive themselves as a kind or competent or hard working person and the feedback contradicts this image. Denial is common.
- If the feedback creates embarrassment, shame, fear of judgement or fear of consequences, it can be a pretty natural reaction to deny the problems rather than face and deal with these emotions.
- Lack of trust or psychological safety – the lower the trust levels between the two parties, the more likely the individual will deny there is a problem and put the blame on something else – such as a manager’s hidden agenda.
- People don’t really pay attention to vague or poorly delivered feedback. If feedback is unclear, general, delivered too bluntly or not obviously relevant – it does not get taken in.
- Fear of losing status – say if they fear – admitting to mistakes or problems will damage their reputation, reduce opportunities or make them look incompetent.
- Lack of control. If the other person doesn’t feel they can affect outcomes or any changes they make won’t make a difference, denying the problem can be a common reaction or at least denying they are part of the problem.
For your problem person or worst team member – if they are not really listening to you or refusing to accept they have a problem, they might be stuck with one or more of these reactions.
This is the acceptance barrier.
Time to take a Different Approach?
Giving feedback to help a team member overcome the acceptance barrier is a great place to start.
For them to take action, to do something different and get pass the acceptance barrier, they need to listen, take in, understand and then take action.
Actions to Take
A good response is to shift into questions and listening.
Ask them to tell you about their actions. Ask them to talk about the impact of their actions. Ask them what they could do differently. Ask them how this would help the situation.
Listen to what they tell you. Take what they say seriously.
Use a slow steady calm voice. Keep your body language and voice reassuring, interested and calm.
When you are calm and making them the center of attention by listening attentively, you calm them down. They are much more likely to open up and tell you what is really going through their head.
They are also watching you very carefully for your reactions and actions. Create reassurance, safety and trust.
Get them talking and explaining to you want is happening and why.
Then you can help them overcome their barriers to accepting the issues, which in turn will help you move onto what they need to do about it i.e. improvement.
Further Help
Feedback alone often does not create action and change. The person’s fear of accepting they are a problem is greater than their fear of the consequences of not changing. To get change, tip the scales the other way. Don’t use negative actions – such as consequences or threats without offering MORE in the way of positive actions.
To get change in situations where a person is in denial, from experience, a framework of interdependent actions is needed. Most managers take one or two actions, and this is not enough.
To really get improvement, you need a system where every action builds on the others you are taking in parallel. All actions support each other and create a much bigger amount of positive pressure to accept the problems and improve.
To learn more about our system and start getting SUSTAINABLE improvement with ANY person, I invite you to join our How to Manage Difficult Employees Course. Click the button below to learn more.
